I have spent much of the weekend mulling over exactly how I’m supposed to plan for anything. It only occurred to me just now that maybe… I shouldn’t. For me, this is a novel idea. I enjoy challenges, especially the ones that I create for myself. I like to make plans and schedules, flexible lists, and I just love the feeling of accomplishment that comes from completing tasks.
The first few days of Apartment Therapy’s January Cure went along nicely. Easy-schmeasy. Then, one of the jobs for the weekend, the most important one really, was to clean all of the floors and vacuum any carpeting. Honestly, I didn’t have the energy or strength (and even on a good day I don’t generally have the where-with-all to take on such a heavy duty). While I could hate that this remains undone, the truth is that there isn’t anything that I can do to remedy it right now. My husband has offered to do that part for me, or at least the brunt of it, sometime when he isn’t working. I shall certainly take him up on that this next weekend.
What I am left to think about is how to apply this to my life so that I don’t set myself up for disappointment. This applies to so many areas… taking care of myself, keeping house, creative work (writing, crafting, DIY stuff), time with family and friends, volunteering, and general planning for the future. I would like to add working (for money) to that list, but that is so beyond feasible at this point in time. For the past 15 years, there has been a growing pattern of making plans and then having to cancel them. With that, there is the potential for a lot of stress and disappointment. Additionally, I’m sure that it affects the other parties involved, especially when they don’t know of or understand my illness because, realistically, I can’t explain it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. And so, I need to rethink how to handle these varied situations in ways that don’t distress me emotionally or physically.
I feel like I’m trying to stand on my head and just can’t quite get there. The balance. The steadiness. The belief that I can do it. I need them all to figuratively do a head stand and I need them to help me navigate life’s expectations and necessities. I need to let go of the fear that I’m going to fall over, because I’m going to fall over again and again. THAT IS OKAY.
All in all, I am finding my way with the circumstances that I have and giving myself permission to do so is the gift that I’m giving myself today.