practicing head stands

winter solstice

I have spent much of the weekend mulling over exactly how I’m supposed to plan for anything. It only occurred to me just now that maybe… I shouldn’t. For me, this is a novel idea. I enjoy challenges, especially the ones that I create for myself. I like to make plans and schedules, flexible lists, and I just love the feeling of accomplishment that comes from completing tasks.

The first few days of Apartment Therapy’s January Cure went along nicely. Easy-schmeasy. Then, one of the jobs for the weekend, the most important one really, was to clean all of the floors and vacuum any carpeting. Honestly, I didn’t have the energy or strength (and even on a good day I don’t generally have the where-with-all to take on such a heavy duty). While I could hate that this remains undone, the truth is that there isn’t anything that I can do to remedy it right now. My husband has offered to do that part for me, or at least the brunt of it, sometime when he isn’t working. I shall certainly take him up on that this next weekend.

What I am left to think about is how to apply this to my life so that I don’t set myself up for disappointment. This applies to so many areas… taking care of myself, keeping house, creative work (writing, crafting, DIY stuff), time with family and friends, volunteering, and general planning for the future. I would like to add working (for money) to that list, but that is so beyond feasible at this point in time. For the past 15 years, there has been a growing pattern of making plans and then having to cancel them. With that, there is the potential for a lot of stress and disappointment. Additionally, I’m sure that it affects the other parties involved, especially when they don’t know of or understand my illness because, realistically, I can’t explain it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. And so, I need to rethink how to handle these varied situations in ways that don’t distress me emotionally or physically.

I feel like I’m trying to stand on my head and just can’t quite get there. The balance. The steadiness. The belief that I can do it. I need them all to figuratively do a head stand and I need them to help me navigate life’s expectations and necessities. I need to let go of the fear that I’m going to fall over, because I’m going to fall over again and again. THAT IS OKAY.

All in all, I am finding my way with the circumstances that I have and giving myself permission to do so is the gift that I’m giving myself today.

6 comments to practicing head stands

  • A few things I have learned about myself when attempting to stand on my head:
    I need to use the wall or I just fall over.
    Falling over is okay.
    Using the wall is okay.
    Standing on my head gives me a headache.

    Perhaps [she gently suggested] you should give yourself permission to stand on your feet instead of on your head. Not everyone will understand, but that’s okay, too.

    • jodi

      That’s exactly my plan, Karen, though I didn’t put it so eloquently. :) I’m learning how to not plan so much, yet have goals and trust that I can reach them via other methods.

  • I failed on the floor mopping chore as well and now I am behind, because, quite frankly, mopping the floor when everyone is home for the weekend is not only impractical, I don’t want to do it then, so I postponed that one as well. I am afraid that this will make me feel like I have broken the contract though and I won’t continue.

    I understand your feelings about making plans. I have had to let go of many of my own plans and such this year because of illness. We are very short on cash because of all my doctors appointments and medications (really only the co-pays…I am very lucky) and I need to get a job, but I just can’t imagine committing to a job right now. I feel like so much is up in the air still and I am still having marathon appointments where I have several different long appts in the same week, though not as many as I did this summer. I don’t know how to handle all of this and work.

    It is hard. I do know that sometimes you have to do what your body is telling you to do. It doesn’t do anyone any good for you to stretch yourself when you can’t handle it. I hate this unreliability actually.

    I am sorry it has been a struggle. I wish I could help.

  • Loved Karen’s answer. My daughter has MS and one of the things she really struggles with is that fact that it makes her feel unreliable as she can’t predict how she will feel or what she will be able to do from day to day. I really get how hard that is. My (inadequate) answer is do what you can when you can. If at the end of that day you know you did your best then that is enough. That is all any of us can do – whether we get our floors mopped or not.

    Darla

  • I have always been an obsessive planner.I don’t like not being able to know what is next, and next week and next month. I had prided myself on always been uber reliable, first one in last one out and always the first to take on more.Sometimes I wonder if the universe gave me a few small taps on the shoulder telling me to chill and when I ignored those it brought out some larger artillery. I’m listening now, but my self esteem is taking some hits, also my self perception.

  • Danielle

    I’m sorry that I’m just seeing this, but YES! You need to give yourself permission (and the gift) of figuring this out for yourself. I hate that people’s expectations are such a burden on you…on me, too, if I’m honest…that’s a difficult one. Constant struggle, no matter what the circumstances. :-/

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